HELP!A Bear is Eating Me!

HELP!A Bear is Eating Me! Trapped In A Remote Alaskan Forest, Pinned Under His Own SUV, Gnawed Upon By Nature S Finest Predators, Marv Pushkin Corporate Warrior, Positive Thinker, Esquire Subscriber Waits Impatiently For An Ambulance And Explains In Detail The Many Reasons Why This Unfolding Tragedy Is Everyone S Fault But His Own

Mykle Hansen has been keeping it realism on Goodreads for over ten years He will gladly consider your friend request if only if you have read at least one hundred books.Mykle Hansen s inability to have a normal reaction is key to the popularity of his surreal fiction and neo gonzo journalism He is the author of the acclaimed short story collection EYEHEART EVERYTHING, several dozen zines, a

❮PDF❯ ✪ HELP!A Bear is Eating Me! Author Mykle Hansen –
  • Paperback
  • 132 pages
  • HELP!A Bear is Eating Me!
  • Mykle Hansen
  • English
  • 24 November 2018
  • 9781933929699

10 thoughts on “HELP!A Bear is Eating Me!

  1. says:

    absolutely lets be honest, this is a book you buy for the cover, initially but behold its actually well written this is the most unsympathetic character ive read since dostoevskys the adolescent, but its a hoot, and i didnt want to throw the book even once, which i did with the adolescent thats a lot of commas to just say yes read this book this is a p.s a customer asked me for a recommendation for someone who liked camus and chuck palahniuk this is perfectly centered between the existential and the bizarre thanks, mykle

  2. says:

    I read this on the way to the airport and then I read of it at the airport and then I finished it on the airplane When I have to deal with the TSA, airline personnel and large numbers of my fellow humans, I often experience deeply felt misanthropy Reading this book complicated that You see, the narrator of the book is a smug, entitled, dumb, greedy yuppie douche bag who s deeply irritated by the extent to which this getting trapped under an SUV and eaten by a bear thing has fucked up his opportunity to boink his mistress and murder his wife this week Generally, I feel I am in a very good position to mock and belittle such people, and why not They make loads money than I do, and don t get eaten by bears nearly as one would hope.But as I m barely able to contain my rage at how damn difficult it is to mail the contraband I forgot to leave at the office to myself WOULD IT KILL YOU TO OPEN A STORE IN THE AIRPORT SO I CAN SHIP MY POCKET KNIFE TO MYSELF INSTEAD OF HAVING IT CONFISCATED, FEDEX , as I grumble not just at the indignity of having to remove my shoes to go through security but at the stupidity of the woman in front of me who is NOT AWARE OF THIS REGULATION, as I try to tune out the teenagers behind me whose command of English and their own vocal instruments bears a startling resemblance to that displayed by Luke Wilson s attorney in Idiocracy, I find myself yearning for an iPod and a personal masseuse to make it all go away Then I remember why I m at the airport in the first place I m traveling to a public relations workshop I can t laugh at the entitled, misanthropic yuppie douchebag Marv Pushkin because I AM THAT ENTITLED, MISANTHROPIC YUPPIE DOUCHEBAG Unlike this novel s narrator, I suspect I would have been overjoyed had a bear appeared on the scene to deliver me from my mortal coil Instead, Mykle Hansen delivered me from my intensely foul mood with jugular piercing HILARITY By the time I touched down in LAX, I was in the best spirits ever not just because I drank a lot of gin on the flight, and certainly not because I was in Los Angeles.

  3. says:

    For years thousands of them actually great thinkers have pondered the question, if a total asshole is trapped under something heavy and their legs are being eaten by a bear is that ok, or should we feel sorry for them Plato in the original manuscripts for his allegory of the cave dealt with his exact problem when the know it all shit who had gone out in to the real world came back and got himself trapped under a boulder and a bear started to eat his legs Plato said it was the danger of leaving the cave, and suggested that it is an Ideal of justice manifested in a lesser form of reality that took the form of the bear eating the know it alls legs This was cut out of The Republic by I think Aristotle who in his third ethics book the one we sadly lost when St Augustine and his neo platonist followers went on a wine drunk spree of destroying manuscripts after a particularly exciting discussion about some ontological proof of God existing said it is never right for man to be eaten by a bear, because even if the man is an asshole, he is still of perfect moderation than the bear This argument went on for years and years and years Different philosophers saying different things about the rights of the asshole versus the rights of a bear But now in 2008 we finally have the book that really gets to the bottom of his primordial philosophical question Told from point of view of the asshole trapped under an SUV while a bear eats his legs, we are able to judge for ourselves if it is ok for the asshole to be eaten Should we feel sorry for him Do we want him to live Is the bear right If you found an asshole with his legs sticking out, trapped, under an SUV would you consider eating his legs These are the kinds of things you can think about while reading this engaging and at times quite funny novel Or maybe you can think about other things The great thing about living in this country or maybe yours too if you aren t living in mine, or maybe not is that you can think about anything you d like while reading a novel Seriously, it s kind of awesome If you want you can even think about something totally off topic, like say kittens, and what do kittens have to do with the novel your reading, which if it s this one I can assure you not very much on a surface reading, but who knows what you ll find if you re really looking for kittens in a close reading So in conclusion, this book is funny and it looks at a very serious ethical problem, and you can think about anything you d like when you read it, although if you think about other things too much you ll probably miss a lot of what is going on in the book, which could be bad.

  4. says:

    Conflict of interest warning I ate the author of this book.

  5. says:

    While corporate sleazeball Marv Pushkin is on a bear killing team building trip in Alaska, he becomes trapped under his Range Rover and a bear begins eating him Hilarity ensues.HELP A Bear is Eating Me reads like Jim Thompson s The Killer Inside Me if it were written by Christopher Moore and Lou Ford was an ad agency executive rather than a small town sheriff Making the reader care about a douchebag of Pushkin s caliber is a rough job but Mykle Hansen accomplishes just that Pushkin s dialogue is pricless and it s clear that he s totally oblivous to the reality of his utter douchebaggery.Not only is HELP A Bear is Eating Me a hilarious tale of an asshole getting what s coming to him, slowly and painfully, it s also a commentary on the inane corporate culture I could easily see Marv Pushkin being in management where I work.That s about all I have to say If you think a corporate scumbag getting eaten by a bear for 120 ish pages is funny, this is the book for you.

  6. says:

    Never before has a book done to discredit the notion that protagonists should be likable Marv Pushkin is probably about as irredeemable as characters come, and yet You can t help but feel a little sorry for the guy Not because he s in the process of dying a slow, gruesome death, but because, over the course of his ordeal, we come to learn much about him than he s willing to let on Through a series of flashbacks and hallucinations, we discover a man so awesomely awful that he actually ends up seeming kinda alright in the end Marv of course remains oblivious to it all, allowing his foolishness to ultimately overshadow his greed, narcissism, and generally assholish nature He s also a lot funnier than Aron Ralston, so at least he s got that going for him.Just when you find yourself starting to feel a little sympathy for the fucker, however, he effortlessly launches off into previously uncharted realms of douchebaggery This cycle repeats itself all the way up until the very end, leaving readers to wonder whether being eaten by a bear is really such a terrible fate after all.

  7. says:

    I liked Help A Bear is eating me a lot I loved that Marv had the same two devils on his polar bear same shoulders both with enormous chips on them He s an asshole in the best way he could ve been He s the kind of asshole that anyone with sense would know to stay far, far away from like Scarlett O hara Like he admits himself, his climb to the top was made easier by smiling faces waiting to get stepped on He s not harmless in the grand scheme of things, but definitely not in my personal sphere because, frankly, I know better Anyway, I was really impressed that Mykle Hansen showed what could ve easily been a stereotypical jab at satire of What s wrong with America jerk into the opposite of your bumper sticker hate It s the misery of living in your own asshole mind The drugs, pain, rage and mind numbingly asshole y flashbacks of his past and fantasies were like the anxiety you feel in your gut no matter how good you are at thinking about something else Well done, I say It really is a good skill to write the cell deep hate on his shallow molecular level and not sound bumper sticker I hate bumper sticker hate above many things It s the kind of deliberately missing the point message and seizing on something most obvious for generic approval Everyman jerk Marv may be, but generic he is not It s not moralizing, or warning or anything but a head trip through a douche bag See how the other half lives I identified with the bear cause for once the paranoia of the outside space included me And I cheered the bear on I would have started having fantasies daymares of being inside the bear s head too Hell, I d probably have developed stockholm s syndrome The bear was starvin for the Marv.

  8. says:

    I have a longstanding marital bias in favor of bears What started out as affectionate joshing that my outwardly imposing and initially intimidating husband is really just a big teddy bear which I m sure is exactly the kind of private commentary he wants me spreading around the internets has, over the years, spiraled out of control to the extent that swapping bear for any even remotely similar sounds e.g bearriage, libeary, husbearnd, et cetera ad nauseam is the overriding hallmark of our spousal language So I have a certain fondness for all things ursine, which made me initially wonder how objectively I could read about some self entitled scumbag raging against a bear whose only sin is curious hunger.This is an unconventional little book, even by bizarro standards and it s not even all that bizarre, really, in the sense that William Shatner doesn t make a single appearance, let alone as a dozen simultaneous incarnations Let s talk about it Its narrator, Marv Pushkin, is a designer drug addicted yuppie asshole possibly an ass hole, even who s trapped under his luxury vehicle Its antagonists are everyone who isn t Marv, except for maybe Marcia from Product Dialogue, the coworker with whom Marv s carrying on an extramarital affair chief among those who are making life undeservedly insufferable for Marv is the titular beast referred to as Mister Bear in I m assuming a decidedly unaffectionate tone who s intermittently snacking on Our Hero s lower extremities.That s the entire plot And it works By God, does it work.As Marv prattles on and on and on and on and on and on and on about all those who are responsible for his arrival at these most unenviable circumstances his mind is clearly a Rolodex of all those who have shown him just a fraction less than the full respect and awe his general mastery of the world commands it becomes obvious that this is a man whose identity is built upon the unshakable belief that he is better, smarter, craftier and deserving of all the best that can have a price tag slapped on it than positively everyone else ever The world lives to serve Marv and it should smile and wipe his ass for the privilege of playing even a minute role in his existence But what also emerges is a backstory that renders Marv sympathetic in a way that made me hate myself a little, first for feeling badly on behalf of such a raging douchenozzle and then for totally writing him off as a terminal jerk without stopping to consider that people like him usually are hiding oceans of personal damage beneath their vile facades What starts out as a finger pointing marathon necessitating an entire army of hands slowly yields to the discovery that this guy really had no other choice but to be in love with himself for survival s sake Marv is his own biggest fan because he d be crushed under the weight of allowing himself to become his own worst enemy It s a pretty neat take on Man vs Nature, with layers of Man vs Self slowly peeling away to a surprisingly connected, successful result.

  9. says:

    As a survivor of a horrific bear attack myself, I can vouch for this book s authenticity in its description such a life changing disaster First of all, manners, such as not playing with your food, don t appear to be too highly stressed within the bear community In fact, they love to play with their food It starts, innocently enough, with a little swat to the ass here, a little nibble on the arm there, but before long, their food play gets increasingly complex, creative and, dare I say, excruciating During my own ordeal, I was repeatedly punched in the face by a male kodiak I can only surmise that he had caught the scent of my wildberry lifesavers and was merely trying to crack open my skull to get at all the wonderful berries that surely resided within Failing in that, He then tossed my body prostrate onto the grass and took to steamrolling me He d roll over me foot to head, then head to foot, then back again Tiring of this game, he then threw my shattered corpus into a nearby tree I landed back first onto a fallen log There was a branch crossing the log and, my legs no longer useful, I tried to pull myself along the branch to escape any vicious mauling The bear saw through my pathetic attempt at escape and ran over to stop me As he approached my now nearly lifeless body, he accidentally stepped on the opposite end of the branch, which lay propped up over the log, which sent my end of the branch up sharply, catapaulting me into the air as if I had been launched from the end of a teeter totter The bear took great amusement in this and began retrieving me to set me back down onto the branch so that he could again step onto the other end, repeatedly sending my powerless flesh sprawling skyward.It wasn t long before his joyous howling brought in other bears from the woods and they joined in the fun, taking turns jumping onto the branch and sending my broken body flailing into the air like a ragdoll One of the other bears had with her another barely alive human victim she had found a few miles over The bears traded us back and forth like we were packs of cigarettes Finally, they began propping us up to make it look like we were interacting with each other in what was, by all appearances, a crude production of A Doll s House by Henrik Ibsen Then they made us kiss After a while they were distracted by a school bus that rolled by on a lonely road at the bottom of the ravine The bears went to investigate this strange yellow creature and quickly forgot about us, leaving us lying there like forgotten toys in the rain Anyway, I m glad somebody has the guts and the insight to finally delve into the reality of bear attacks and tell it like it is.

  10. says:

    Normally I m not beguiled by first person narratives, especially when the voice is that of an obnoxious boorish narcissist Mykle Hansen s HELP A Bear is Eating Me is an honorable exception Despite having a protagonist of unparalleled loathsomeness, unblemished by even a hint of concern for others or a scintilla of self awareness, this book charmed the pants off me The title is sheer genius, and completely accurate As the story opens, its truly despicable antihero, Marv Pushkin lies pinned under his all terrain vehicle somewhere off road in Alaska The rest of the 120 page story is structured as an ongoing monolog from Marv to the reader If you think about it for a second, you realise that Mykle Hansen set himself a nearly impossible challenge A first person narrative in the voice of a complete jerk that still manages to engage the reader is a pretty tall order I m happy to report that the author rises to the occasion, magnificently I read H ABiEM in a single afternoon It was hilarious And written so smoothly that you ask yourself how did he do that Lying trapped and helpless isn t the only trial Marv has to survive There s that angry bear whose cub he ran over with his Rover who takes revenge by gnawing off his extremities He also suffers several hallucinatory visitations, both human and ursine, as he self medicates to counter the mounting pain This makes him the quintessential unreliable narrator The character of Marv works as a hilarious caricature, but the thought does occur that Hansen may have sacrificed the potential for greater emotional impact by making him so relentlessly loathsome Most readers will be ambivalent on whether to root for the bear or for Marv Scrooge s four ghostly visitors ultimately cause him to undergo a change of heart Lear s misadventures in the storm teach him compassion and effect a reconciliation with Cordelia before he dies Gloucester learns to see clearly as a result of his blinding HELP A Bear is Eating Me is not a story of growth and redemption But so what It s brilliantly realised and genuinely funny.

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